Carl Bird
Carl Bird (born July 4, 1969) is an American reprobate, gambler, habitual schemer, and recurring criminal offender. He is the older and considerably meaner cousin of Big Bird, whom he physically resembles.
| Carl Bird | |
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| Carl Bird pictured in a Rockford, Illinois pawn shop | |
| Full name | Carl Bird |
| Aliases | Tweety; Dr. Feelgood; Juan Hung Lo; Rigoberto Jimenez; Aloysius Jackson - Full list of Carl Bird aliases |
| Born | July 4, 1969 Brooklyn, New York |
| Species | "Anthropomorphic bird man" |
| Occupation | Timeline of Carl Bird Occupations |
| Affiliations | Redline, Orange Van Records |
| Relatives | Big Bird, Johnny Walker |
| Associates | Tony "No Nose" Catellini; Juan Gonzalez; Zutroy Zagreb |
| Enemies | Mike Jorpa, law enforcement of any sort |
| Associated locations | Rockford, Illinois; Joliet, Illinois; Elgin, Illinois; Brooklyn; Florida, USA |
| Status | Alive |
Carl is best known for his criminal record in the greater Chicagoland area of Illinois, but (as he frequently attempts to advertise) is also a guitarist associated with the hard-rock band Redline, although his actual musical contribution has frequently been questioned. He is also known for a lengthy history of misdemeanor criminal activity, unstable housing, compulsive gambling, poorly planned business ventures, public disturbances, and repeated encounters with security personnel and law enforcement.
Physically, Carl is characterized by yellow feathers, bloodshot eyes, prison-style tattoos covering his arms and legs, cutoff denim shorts, and occasionally a gold chain. He is rarely seen without a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth.
Despite maintaining little stable employment and often living in vans of questionable provenance, Carl has managed to remain connected to a surprisingly broad network of small-time musicians, promoters, attorneys, wrestlers, businessmen, and local personalities.
Early life
Carl Bird was born in Brooklyn, New York on July 4, 1969.
Little reliable information is available regarding his childhood. He has variously claimed to have grown up in Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, or "wherever the action was," although the Brooklyn account is generally accepted as canonical.
Carl speaks with a pronounced, gruff Brooklyn accent which has remained largely unchanged despite spending significant portions of his adult life in Illinois, where he moved because, according to him, "shit's cheaper, and they got loopholes in their vehicle registration process".
He is the older cousin of Big Bird. The precise relationship between Carl and the larger Bird family remains poorly documented, although Carl has repeatedly described himself as "the Bird they don't put on television".
Carl's relationship with his more famous cousin is believed to be strained.
He also has a son Johnny Walker, of whom little is known other than that Carl gave him his name.
Appearance
Carl closely resembles Big Bird in overall body shape and plumage, but differs markedly in grooming and presentation. He may be easily differentiated by the following characteristics:
- heavily bloodshot eyes
- numerous crude prison tattoos on his feathered limbs
- cutoff denim shorts
- almost always shirtless
- a gold chain, more recently one bearing the name TWEETY
- thrifted athletic shoes or slippers issued by the county jail; "those are the most comfortable" according to Carl
- almost always with a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth
Tattoos
His tattoos are all crude and show poor art skill, but generally consist of names, skulls, dice, women, card suits, and other imagery associated with gambling and incarceration.
Personality
Carl is abrasive, impulsive, combative, opportunistic, and almost pathologically resistant to authority.
He possesses a strong instinct for identifying minor loopholes, questionable money-making opportunities, unsecured alcohol, unattended merchandise, unsecured power hookups, vehicle law loopholes, and situations in which rules might not technically apply to him.
Carl generally rejects the suggestion that he is unemployed, preferring terms such as "between gigs," "independent," "consulting," or "working on something."
He asks nearly everyone he meets to borrow money. In the event that someone happens to lend him money, he either completely disappears, or if cornered, he offers to repay the loan in highly elaborate, questionable ways such as:
- third party checks
- poorly counterfeited cash
- free Big Mac coins ("those held their value better than gold", according to Bird, and amusingly he's not wrong)
- bartering for possessions, which are usually worthless junk
- foreign currency from countries that no longer exist
Employment history
Sesame Street sanitation department
Carl's earliest documented employment was as a sanitation worker on Sesame Street, allegedly due to his more famous cousin Big Bird vouching for him and the Sesame Street production company allowing Carl to use the job to fulfill community service obligations.
He held the position until 1987, when he was reportedly dismissed following an incident involving public urination.
Accounts differ as to whether the incident occurred during working hours. Carl has consistently argued that he was "on break."
The termination appears to have established a pattern that would characterize his later employment history: Carl generally disputes that he has ever been legitimately fired, maintaining instead that employers "got weird" or "couldn't handle somebody who speaks his mind."
Other employment
Carl has subsequently worked intermittently in manual labor, entertainment, promotion, automotive work, and various informal enterprises. Most of these arrangements have been short-lived. His employment history is difficult to reconstruct because Carl frequently describes gambling, reselling merchandise, informal contracting, music performances, and personal favors as "jobs."
For a very brief period in 2014 he produced and broadcasted Uncle Carl's Radio Show.
Criminal history
Carl possesses an extensive criminal record involving mostly low-level offenses.
Known or alleged incidents have included:
- loitering
- public urination
- illegal dumping
- shoplifting
- unlicensed tire burning
- misdemeanor bootlegging
- fraud
- driving under the influence
- driving without a valid license
- driving without insurance
- lottery-related fraud
- purchasing cigarettes for minors
- impersonating a licensed exterminator
- solicitation
- practicing medicine without a license
- environmental violations
Carl has repeatedly demonstrated a peculiar ability to remain involved in criminal behavior while frequently avoiding the most serious possible charges.
His attorney and longtime associate, Tony "No Nose" Catellini, has played a major role in limiting the consequences of many incidents.
Felony and incarceration accounts
Carl's exact felony history is one of the more inconsistent areas of documented continuity. Some accounts describe him as a career misdemeanor offender who has deliberately remained just below the threshold of serious felony prosecution. Other accounts state that Carl was convicted of grand larceny in New York and served approximately eight years in prison after committing the crime while attempting to resolve a financial crisis involving Tony "No Nose" Catellini.
His prison tattoos and repeated references to incarceration strongly indicate that Carl has served significant jail or prison time regardless of the precise conviction history.
Legal Representation
Carl's attorney, fixer, and occasional handler is Cicero lawyer Tony "No Nose" Catellini.
Their relationship is unusually close considering the overwhelmingly professional circumstances under which they are normally seen together.
According to one established account, Catellini once accumulated approximately $900,000 in gambling debt. Carl subsequently became involved in resolving the situation under circumstances that remain poorly documented and possibly criminal.
Catellini thereafter described himself as owing Carl a lifetime debt of gratitude. This relationship has proved invaluable to Carl, who frequently requires legal representation.
Carl usually refers to Catellini simply as No Nose.
Music career
Redline
Carl is closely associated with the band Redline which records and performs hypermasculine exaggerated arena rock sometimes described as mustache rock. He is generally credited as a rhythm guitarist, however his precise contribution to live performances is controversial.
On numerous occasions Carl's guitar has reportedly been:
- unplugged
- connected to an amplifier with the volume turned down
- missing a cable entirely;
- otherwise inaudible in the final mix
Carl has rarely appeared to notice.
This has led to speculation that his position in Redline is based more heavily on personal relationships, image, persistence, and his inability to be removed from backstage areas than on musical necessity. Carl nevertheless considers himself an essential member of the group. He has occasionally claimed songwriting credit for songs for which no other member remembers him contributing.
Trabajo Bone
Carl has an informal relationship with Mexican-American norteño metal band Trabajo Bone, and briefly served as their rhythm guitarist, but was asked to leave due to lack of ability and experience.
Carl has consequently described Trabajo Bone as "good people."
The band's musicians appear to regard Carl with varying degrees of amusement and irritation.
Musical ability
Carl's actual guitar skill is generally considered limited. He knows several basic chords, blues-rock shapes, and recognizable fragments of common hard-rock riffs. His primary technique consists of aggressive strumming, volume, posing, and pointing at members of the audience. More technically skilled musicians within his social circle tend to tolerate him rather than regard him as a peer. His equipment is usually in poor repair, "like something he traded a set of used tires for at a pawn shop" according to Redline keyboardist Johann Heimberg.
Relationship with technology
Carl seems to be extremely resistant to using pieces of technology that were not in widespread use in the 1980s. He seems to not understand the point of things such as CDs, DVDs, cellular phones or flat panel TVs. Despite clearly running a social media page on Facebook, he appears to only be tangentially aware of what the internet is or how it works. He often mentions relying on VHS and cassette tapes for entertainment, only seems to use land line telephones, often speaks of the utility of CB radio (claiming "all the fat chicks hang out on channel 12") and is fascinated by the idea of playing video games on the Nintendo Entertainment System (the cartridges for which he calls "tapes").
Carl has made internet posts about various computers he has owned, but all of said computers were completely inadequate for regular use on the internet, having been salvaged from dumps or acquired in a trade at a pawn shop. It is theorized that Carl accesses his Facebook through computers at public libraries.
When forced to interact with a newer piece of technology, he will often mumble about "all this new shit" and lose interest in attempting to accomplish the task at hand.
Personal Relationships
Juan Gonzalez
One of Carl's longtime associates is Juan Gonzalez. Carl and Juan have appeared together in numerous contexts, primarily centered around quasi-legal mobile food service ventures, such as their ill-fated food truck business Taco Jabronis.
Juan is among the relatively small number of people whom Carl appears to regard as a genuine friend rather than a potential source of transportation, alcohol, money, or temporary housing.
Zutroy Zagreb
Zutroy Zagreb is a Hungarian American booking agent and entertainment-industry connection who has arranged work involving Carl, usually with poor outcomes. Zagreb's humorless, transactional personality frequently clashes with Carl's improvisational approach to contracts and scheduling. Zagreb once described Carl as "a fucking clown".
Darnell Watson
Carl has repeatedly crossed paths with promoter and entrepreneur Darnell Watson. Watson is associated with the Darnell Watson Funk Experience and many other haphazardly arranged events.
The two possess fundamentally different approaches to business: Watson typically attempts to construct an actual promotional enterprise, while Carl tends to identify opportunities for free admission, alcohol, merchandise resale, side gambling, or unauthorized participation. However, given that Watson's endeavors are frequently quasi-legal, he occasionally relies on Carl to handle some of the event management. (Chasing away people who are asking too many questions, event security or taking the fall in case something goes sideways.)
Mike Jorpa
Mike Jorpa is is an officious security supervisor known for an unusually rigid interpretation of his limited authority, and someone against whom Carl has declared a personal vendetta due to a series of parking lot loitering incidents throughout the 2020s.
Their encounters often involve:
- loitering
- open alcohol
- smoking
- fires
- littering
- trespassing
Vehicles
Carl has owned, borrowed, won, lost, or denied ownership of numerous vans and RVs.
He strongly favors 1970s full-size American conversion vans, particularly those featuring:
- exterior painted murals of fantasy art
- shag carpeting
- nonfunctional interior lighting
- sleeping/living quarters
- entertainment systems with TV and VCR
- 8 track players
However, due to his perpetual lack of funds, such vehicles are nearly always in a poor state of repair. Any vehicle owned by Carl has at least a few of the following problems:
- major flooring segments repaired with sheet metal
- rust perforation on most body panels
- bald, mismatched tires—in some cases spare tires
- a malfunctioning or purposefully disconnected speedometer cable
- brakes always one hard slam from being completely shot
- emissions controls being a mere suggestion
- at least one broken window (usually repaired with packing tape)
- body damage
- dragging tailpipe
- worn out or perforated muffler
- oil, coolant, brake fluid leaks
- extremely unhygienic interior
- slipping transmission
Systems like external lighting, mirrors, etc. are generally kept in a functioning state to discourage unnecessary contact with law enforcement. However, most police in the Rockford, Joliet, Aurora, and Elgin areas know any of his vehicles on sight. According to Sgt. Peebles of the Elgin Police:
Whenever you see a piece of shit van with a busted muffler and a wizard or some shit painted on the side roll into town, it can only be one person. The way I see it? Pull him over, you'll find something to get him on no matter what.
Carl's housing situation and vehicle ownership are often functionally inseparable. He frequently obtains vehicles through poker games, serendipity, bartering, or scheming rather than conventional purchase. He has been known to refer to one van in particular as the Sidepipe Wagon, as evidenced by this catcall he made toward a woman in Rockford before being arrested for reckless driving:
Hey baby, wanna go for a ride in the sidepipe wagon? This eight track player only plays one song: Space Truckin' by Deep Purple!
Amusingly, Bird has been known to say his van "only plays" other songs as well:
- Slow Ride by Foghat
- Frankenstein by Edgar Winter Group
- Take It On The Run by REO Speedwagon
- Detroit Rock City by Kiss
- Radar Love by Golden Earring
When confronted with inquiries by police or security officials, Carl has denied owning vehicles while standing immediately beside them.
Housing
Carl has experienced chronic housing instability.
He has lived at various times in:
- vans
- garages
- spare rooms
- motel rooms
- friends' houses
- women's homes
- parking lots
- mobile homes
- a Bank of America vestibule intended for after-hours customer access
Carl does not generally describe himself as homeless. Instead, he considers himself to have "places to stay." Some accounts describe Carl deliberately cultivating romantic relationships with older women in order to secure temporary housing, such as his disastrous marriage to Sue Bob White of West Virginia. Carl often publicly laments getting kicked out of Sue Bob's trailer. He also prefers to cohabitate with older women due to their tendency to have various medicines on-hand that he can pilfer.
On the odd occasion that Carl has been able to secure permanent housing, he is almost immediately evicted due to extreme sanitation, noise, and criminal activity concerns.
Gambling
Gambling is one of Carl's favorite pastimes.
He regularly participates in:
- legal and illegal sports betting
- betting on horse and dog races
- betting on Polish table tennis matches
- barroom card games
- lottery and racketeering schemes
- pool
- video poker and slot machines
- wagers involving objects that would not normally be considered appropriate stakes
Carl has won and lost vehicles, musical equipment and residences through gambling, and he has owed considerable sums of money to various parties throughout his life.
Alcohol, smoking and drug use
Carl is a heavy smoker. A lit cigarette is present in the overwhelming majority of documented appearances, and he has demonstrated little regard for posted smoking restrictions. He once got ejected from Brookfield Zoo for smoking a cigar in a restroom, after which he complained on social media:
they don't let you smoke cigars in the bathroom at the zoo no more!
Carl is also a functional alcoholic. His drinks of choice include low-end fortified wine, malt liquor, and cheap vodka. He shows little regard for laws involving public intoxication, open containers, and public consumption. He has also been arrested several times for buying alcohol for minors.
He does not consider his relationship with alcohol to be an addiction. When asked about it, Carl simply says “I love drinking, I don’t need it.”
Carl will generally consume any substance that comes his way, with a strong preference for prescription medications (usually pilfered from whosever medicine cabinet he has access to) and cheap highs such as inhalants. He tends to not buy or sell street drugs (“too much heat”) but always seems to know where to get them.
Aliases
Carl has used numerous aliases, either for legal avoidance, entertainment purposes, informal employment, or reasons known only to himself.
Known aliases include:
- Tweety
- Dr. Feelgood
- Juan Hung Lo
- Rigoberto Jimenez
- Aloysius Jackson
The sophistication of these identities varies considerably.
Carl has occasionally continued using an alias after presenting identification bearing his real name.
Business ventures and schemes
Carl has participated in an extensive number of short-lived ventures.
These commonly involve one or more of the following:
- reselling merchandise;
- automotive services;
- entertainment promotion;
- bootlegging;
- gambling;
- informal contracting;
- unlicensed services;
- questionable licensing claims;
- and ventures whose legal status is immediately disputed by Tony "No Nose" Catellini.
Carl rarely distinguishes between a business, a side job, and a scam.
He strongly prefers cash transactions.