PerforMax Gym Arrest

On July 27, 2014 Carl Bird was arrested following a complaint about a trespasser at PerforMax Gym.

Location of incident

Police sketch of suspect accused of groping Bird, identity unknown

Incident

On the day of the incident, the Hoffman Estates police received a call complaining of a belligerent, drunk anthropomorphic bird who had entered the gym under false pretenses and refused to leave. The police arrived to find Bird consuming refreshments from the concession area with no intent of paying. Upon being arrested, Carl yelled "that fucking meathead fruitcake groped my balls, at least give me a few cokes and we'll call it even!" Bird was charged with resisting arrest, retail theft and trespassing.

Aftermath

During interrogation, Bird claimed that he was groped by a man in the locker room.

So I was in the locker room lookin' around and stuff and this big burly guy wearin' some kind of tight wrestling clothes and a head thing grabbed me and threw me against a wall, and he started touchin' my wiener. And he said "what are you doing here? You're not even a member of this gym, are you?" I’m always drunk, but I could never get drunk enough to go along with any of that so I hit that fat fuck in the side of his fat head with my knuckle duster and he took off. I think those gym people know who this guy is.

PerforMax Gym subsequently declined to pursue the complaint, and the charges against Bird were dismissed. Bird was nevertheless ordered to pay $500 in restitution. Bird paid the court clerk with a check, which was returned as "account closed". The $500 remains unpaid.