Timeline of Carl Bird Occupations

The following is an abridged employment history as a combination of self-reported information by Carl Bird on his Facebook profile as well as externally corroborated details.

Employer / organization	Position	Location	Dates	Reason for Leaving
Self	Clown	Joliet, Illinois	2021–present	—
Self	Mall Santa	Multiple/recurring	2009–present	Being a seasonal job, Carl can usually last the entire holiday season without getting fired, however he is known to drink heavily while on the job and sexually harass mothers who bring their children to visit him.
Rax Restaurant	Line cook	Joliet, Illinois	2021	Blew his nose into the beef sandwich bun of a man he claimed was a "jabroni".
Stanley Steemer	Cleaning tech	Joliet, Illinois	2020	Presented falsified identification documents upon being hired, immediately went AWOL when given a company van, sold the cleaning equipment at his favorite pawn shop, and destroyed the interior of the van by the time it was recovered.
Burger King	Sanitation Engineer	East Joliet, Illinois	2020–2021	Did not show up, called in a bizarre excuse, to quote Bird: "My buddy Juan says the van I sold him smells like stale farts and Drakkar Noir when it rains, I gotta go take care of that." Bird was already on probation for smoking cigars in the bathroom while on the clock.
Randy's Adult Entertainment Emporium	Jizz Mopper	Crest Hill, Illinois	2017–2020	Gross incompetence, theft, health code violations, failure to follow COVID protocols
Emerald City Roller Derby	Fluffer	Rockford, Illinois	2013–2014	Sexual harassment of the roller derby girls
Biff's Package Goods	Bouncer	Maywood, IL	2012	Excessive force involving the use of a blackjack
Shurrl's Truck Stop	Dishwasher	Pontiac, IL	2012	Bird was found bathing himself using dish washing equipment, and it was later discovered that he had counterfeited shower tickets for the truck stop
Crazy Joe's Mattress Discount Warehouse	Marketing Specialist	Rockford, IL	2011–2012	A pair of elderly women reported that Bird exposed himself to them while wearing the store's promotional mattress character suit. Bird claims "my balls were hanging out, what's the big deal?"
Wild Bill's Ex-Con Rodeo	Rodeo clown	Rockford, Illinois	2010–2011	Bird got incarcerated for misdemeanor wire fraud totaling less than $100.
Belmont Hills Mall	Mall Santa	Rockford, Illinois	2009–2010	Health code violations, smoking on the job and inattentiveness to keeping his working area free of cigarette butts
Rent-A-Center	Laborer	Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania	1997–1998	Falsification of workman's comp claim
Jimmy's House of Organ Meats	Display Coordinator	Atlantic City, New Jersey	1997	Theft of head cheese
Four Aces Construction	Bricklayer	East Saint Louis, Illinois	1997	Found asleep, intoxicated, in a portable toilet
St. Louis Public Schools	School Bus Driver	Saint Louis, Missouri	1996–1997	Terminated when state passed a law requiring criminal background checks for school bus drivers and Bird was discovered to be a felon named Carl Bird. (Bird had been using the alias Duke LaSalle at the time.)
Kaufman Astoria Studios	Industrial Sanitation Engineer / Character actor talent scout	New York, New York	1986–1987	Allegedly exposed himself to children, denies the allegations and accuses Big Bird of the act. See notes below.

Notes on employment at Kaufman Astoria

According to Bird:

"so my normal gig there was workin as a janitor moppin up puke but they say I knew a bunch of different people so whenever a part came up for a pimp, a hooker, or a drug dealer they had me run the audition. most famously, I found the pimp from National Lampoon's Vacation, the guy that says 'hey fuck yo momma!' when i ran that audition there was a room full of dudes dressed as pimps holding scripts and reading the one line but i had to leave when my fucking goody two shoes cousin was flashing his wiener to kids and they pinned it on me because i got tattoos."

He was employed at Kaufman Astoria Studios primarily in a custodial capacity, although he was occasionally tasked with assisting in casting for minor character roles when studio personnel believed his familiarity with local personalities made him useful for that purpose. Bird has specifically claimed that he participated in the casting process for a minor role in National Lampoon's Vacation.

Bird's employment ended following an allegation of indecent exposure involving a costumed performer. Bird denied responsibility and attributed the incident to his cousin, Big Bird. That explanation was not regarded as credible, as Big Bird was documented to have been filming in another studio at the time. Other witnesses report that Carl urinated on-set and yelled “this ain’t a real barrio!”

No criminal charge was ultimately brought against Bird, and the allegation could not be proven to the standard necessary for prosecution. Nevertheless, studio management asked Bird to leave, effectively terminating his employment.