Beef Drain

Beef Drain
Left to right: "Hound Dog", unknown, unknown, "Ratchet"
Genres	Hard Southern rock
Years active	2014–2015
Labels	Orange Van Records
Members	Hound Dog, Ratchet
Status	Presumed disbanded

A "hard Southern rock" band briefly signed to Orange Van Records. As Orange Van Records kept very poor records and Carl Bird is belligerent about answering questions about this band, the names of two of the members are unknown.

Live performances

Only one of two known live performances by Beef Drain is documented.

The documented performance was at the July 19, 2014 Rumble in The Park wrestling event at Vasa Park in Elgin, Illinois. Organized by Zutroy Zagreb, Zagreb contacted Carl Bird because he needed a band, “any band” in his words, to open the event and draw a crowd. Carl lent the band his van and sent them on their way. The band showed up promptly without any high-powered amplification equipment, one member having mentioned that he pawned the band’s PA system. Zutroy ended up lending them the portable system he intended to use to announce the wrestling match.

According to a LiveJournal entry posted by an attendee:

This piece of shit van rolled up and out piled these grubby-looking dudes. They looked like they just stepped out of 1976 (in a bad way). The bass player alone looked like some kind of redneck Jesus who was about to turn water into cold Coors lite and all of their equipment looked like they bought musician starter packs from Guitar Center. They set up a piece of plywood that had their name spray painted on it, like it looked like the heavyset drummer literally just made it out back five minutes before they went on stage.

Then they started playing. While they weren’t bad musicians and mostly kept time and stayed in key, the singer didn’t so much sing as yelled in different pitches. They seemed to be proud of the fact that they were playing “all originals”. I couldn’t tell you how many songs I heard but all of them were three chord blues rock and they were all about underage girls. The singer must not have felt like he drove the point home quite enough because between songs he tried to hype the crowd up by saying things like “let’s hear it from the hot fourteen year olds in the audience!”

And then there’s the bizarre matter of the guy in the tight pants who didn’t seem to add any musical value to the band. All he did was stand on stage and clap to the rhythm. I didn't stick around too much longer, but as I was stuck lining up in the parking lot to leave, there was some sort of commotion, and I saw their van peel out from the makeshift "performer's area" and jump three curbs to exit the park.

Rumble in the Park performance

The band was booked to perform an hour set, but that was cut short when a nearby nursing home called the police and complained about the noise. Furthermore, the gathered onlookers were becoming agitated with the band. Between the lyrical content of their music and the poor acoustics, the crowd grew rowdy and began pelting the performers with corn cobs, empty beer cans, and reportedly a pulled pork sandwich—which is remarkable because the only food vendor at the event was a taco stand operating out of the back of a pickup truck. At roughly the forty minute mark the band unceremoniously exited the stage, packed their gear (including the borrowed PA) into their van, and left in a hurry.

The only other known public performance by Beef Drain was at "some guy's pig roast" as attested by Carl Bird.

Member biographies

"Hound Dog"

Former drummer of Florida-area band Raydon that was known on the local trailer park circuit. Reportedly threatened to assault Carl Bird with a pipe wrench over gross mismanagement.

"Ratchet"

Known to originate from Chicago and formerly played in the band Rusty Metal, and was allegedly known as "King of the Thirsty Whale." It is unclear what he exactly may have played.

Other Members

As Orange Van records did not keep any usable business records, and no one ever bothered to write anything else down about the band, the identities of the singer and bass player are unknown.